Through The Darkness Comes ...

Life keeps movin' on

I keep meaning to post something here, I really do.  I thought since getting a laptop I would, but for some reason- I don't. 

Anyway.  Things have been busy around here.  I'm sure if you asked my husband he would say things were busy for him and things have stayed the same for us.  Not so.  I realize that he is very busy.  I don't know how he does it.  He works all day, shoots a TV show all night, gets a few hours of sleep and then does more stuff for the show.  But for the rest of us it is exhausting, staying quiet, having people stay in your house doing extra laundry, extra dishes, making sure things are clean.  Not to mention listening to them talk about this thing ALL the time.  It's not 24/7 but at least once a week. I feel like I'm a single mom most of the time.  One more week and they are done  w ith their initial commitment.  I hope that the network buys more.  More + more$$$$!

I've also become addicted to F@cebook.  It started out that I was just going on my husbands account to see what his crazy family was up to but now I've been going on both of ours and I am completely addicted.  It's sad to see how his brother and sister use it as a weapon against my husband.  It drives me crazy.  If you are my friends on Facebook and see any weird comments just know that they are probably there to rile up my BIL/SIL.  Sad really!

Being the good girl

All my life i've been the good girl and just done what I've been told.  For the most part.  Usually when my husband tells me to do something I do the opposite ; ). 

When I got the call from the doctors office last December about my mammogram results I was upset but "they" told me to come back in six months so I just accepted that that is what I should do.  My doctor told me so.  My husband honestly didn't seem upset or concerned, not like when his mother or sister had abnormal results.  He did however come home with the name of a specialist from a co worker.  But as I said I usually do the opposite of what he says.

Plus, I thought to my self, "what am I going to say to this office when I call them? My doctors office says it's nothing and to come back in six months but I don't trust them?"  I just felt stupid.  I let it go for three months and then I was convinced that I felt something growing inside, not that I felt a lump but I had these twinges of pain.  Plus with all of my husband good luck I was convinced something horrible was going to happen to me.

I finally came up with something to say to the doctors office and called them.They got me in within two weeks and I got my films and they took a look at them and did a manual breast exam.  The doctor felt that with a few more views with compression the lump they saw  which was tiny would turn out to be tissue overlapping and she didn't feel anything in her breast exam.  She said to still go for the follow up in three months and have the results sent to her also.

I feel relieved but will feel more so in May!

Worried

For the last year I have tried to keep silent about my husbands project.  At first I have to admit I thought"oh this will never go any where" but I felt I had to let him see it through.  I was amazed when things started happening so quickly and so positively.  Still, I was afraid to talk about it, afraid to hope that things would happen.   Obviously, things have happened and I'm very excited but it still doesn't seem real somehow.

Last November I had a mammogram and never expected anything to come of it.  In early December a nurse from my doctors office called and told me that the test showed what appeared to  be a 4 mm benign node in my right breast and they wanted me to come back for a repeat mammogram in six months.  Now  me, I am a glass half empty person,  I've got myself convinced that when I go for that test it will be cancer.   I told my husband about it and he came up with a specialist that I should go to but didn't seem all to concerned which is funny because he's always convinced every little ache and pain he has means he's dying.  Plus these days all he sleeps, eats and thinks about is the show.

So that has been on my mind and the show has been on my mind.  Things are finally seeming real with the show and then the first check comes.  Not a big one, there really is no money in this. We knew out of the first check all the guys would have to pay one of the guys back for the lawyer that they hired.  No big deal we knew this and had prepared for this.   Now other guys have put out money for various things and my husband has told them to hang on to receipts so that they can be paid back two of the guys that have put out them most money have both said not to worry about it.  One has a business that he uses the stuff for but the other guy this was just a hobby for him and the equipment he bought really has no other use and he was the one who kept saying "don't worry about it" the most.  Now all of a sudden there is money and this guy(second guy) is saying he wants to be paid back and it's a lot! I guess this wouldn't be a big deal if he had been saying all along that this is what he wanted but when you say one thing and do another it makes me furious!   This is also the guy who gets mad every time someone from the production company or lawyers office doesn't do EXACTLY what they said they were going to do.  Not to mention this guy doesn't have receipts for all the money he says he's owed. 

I am so frustrated and worried they haven't started shooting yet.  I'm afraid that there will be in fighting among them and they'll ruin the show before it's even started!

Finally!

I have been promising to tell you about this for ages.  Now the contract is signed and the press release has come out.  So I can "sort" of talk about it.  I will provide the link but I don't want to lead people here for obvious reasons.

Press release

1 Holiday Down

I made it through 1 holiday without having a major meltdown. I was seriously doubting myself. 

The kids had a great Christmas.  They were thrilled with all of their gifts even though they didn't receive that many.  Their major gift was a Wii from us.  We also got them an extra controller and nun chuck plus Wii pajamas for each of them.  Other relatives supplied games. I have to say I am a little disappointed in the wii, I expected more from it but maybe I'm missing something.  My brother and his wife are coming today and we are having a "wii party" so maybe I will find out what all the fuss is about.

We had a great time at my parents house, it was relaxing.  The kids had a great time playing with their cousins.  All the adults got along.  My parents secretly stuck $100 in my stocking and I accidentally emptied my brothers stocking too so I almost got double candy. Score!

I worried all week about getting together with my husbands parents and niece because it seems like evertime we get together my husbands brother and sister come up and I was afraid the whole topic of their meeting last week would be brought up.  I knew that if it was I would not be able to hold my feelings in and would probably let my IL's have it with both barrels.  My husband and I decided that if they did try to bring it up that we would tell them that unless they wanted to ruin the evening that we wouldn't be discussing it.  they did try several times to bring both of them up by mentioning them but my husband and I just changed the subject.

My husband and I both found it funny that or people who were so preachy that we didn't get a call or an e-mail wishing us a Merry Christmas.  So much for practicing what you preach!

This morning when I woke up the phone rang and I grabbed it because I saw our last name (thinking it was my husbands cell) and at the last minute saw my MIL's name and it was my FIL telling me I was and aunt again.  My husband brother and his wife had their fourth together, fifth total.  I hate to say it but I wasn't even nice I said"OK, I'll tell my husband".  My FIL was probably confused, but then again maybe not.  I still haven't forgotten the stupid comments he made about him being afraid I was pregnant last year when he and my MIL stayed here to take care of the kids when my husband and I went to Canada and he saw the hand made cradle that my Dad made in our bedroom.

What I need to do is move on with my life and not think about these people and get all this anger and negativity out because it has been consuming my life for so long.  I'm just not sure how to go about it.  It seems that they are everywhere, all the time.  I wish my husband would make up his mind what he is going to do and stick to it.  The problem is my husband is a kiss ass and will do anything to please his parents.  His sister has sent pictures of the baby this morning and I'm afraid if he see her doing this he will feel guilted into having to one up her because he has to be the better son.  We haven't heard 1 word from the brother whose baby it actually is.

I need to come up with a mantra.  Got any ideas?

Survey Says!

I guess you could say that the meeting between my husband and his siblings did not go well.  Perhaps that is an understatement.  My husband originally contacted his sister a couple of months ago hoping to meet with her and only her but for some reason she insisted that the youngest brother be present even though my husband told her in their e-mail correspondence that he was hoping to meet with just her.  In fact, my husband never even knew up until both his siblings walked into the restaurant that the brother was coming.  She's sneaky is an understatement is all I can say about his sister.

I still don't know all of the details about the meeting because my husband was really rattled when he came home.  I do know that my husband felt like he was on that show "Intervention".  He felt like he was trying to be saved and converted into some strange religion.  Most of what my husband told me revolved around their strange religious beliefs ( I don't mean to offend anyone, Sorry).  I don't know how much of their actual "issues" they discussed because his siblings seemed more focused on talking about "the word" and "living the word".  All things my husband would be totally fine with if he didn't feel like he was being beaten over the head with a wooden stick. 

I think they've crossed the fine line into some kind of mental illness.  If they weren't talking about God they were rolling their eyes, texting on their phones, looking around, or checking their watches, and when things got too heated they got up and left.  My husband thought at one point his brother was going to come across the table and grab him but then they got up and left. I  guess they decided at some point that we would get together with my husbands parents without the kids and work things out so that maybe we could all get together for a holiday or a birthday sometime but I told my husband I am done with all of them and to count me out of that.  I have written them off long ago.  I think my husband is still planning on doing it.  I think my husband wants his parents to see just how far gone his brother and sister really are and then maybe they will finally give up on the idea. 

I think this will backfire because I remember what happened here at my sons 1st birthday party. It was like a seen out of a movie.  All hell broke loose, everybody was arguing and yelling.  It looked like my BIL was going to start throwing things.  People went crashing out the front door and then 2 minutes later they were all sobbing and hugging each other.  It was like a bad B movie.  I wanted to throw up!

Excuse me while go do that now!

Why you miss out on the best Blog Posts

I mean to write a blog post every day.  Every night before I go to bed I swear to my self that I'm going to type one up after the kids get on the bus the next day. Cross my heart and all that.  I even start composing  it in my head in the shower.  I think that's the problem.   I compose it in my head, get it all out so to speak and then don't actually feel the need to type it up.

What's been going on ? Not a whole lot...and No, Holly, I am not mad at you.  Thank you for taking the time to actually respond to my post with a thoughtful response.  My husband still has not met with his brother and sister.  Try as I might I just cannot find it within myself to reach out to them or to thaw my heart towards them.  My husband does want to send them Holiday cards and I sat with them in front of me for at least a half and hour before I could even address them.  We'll see if I can mail them.

My Husbands  sister invited me to a shower for the brothers wife who is giving birth to yet another baby they can not afford at the end of the month.  I received the invitation the week of the shower ****and she misspelled my name!****.  Needless to say I did not respond to the invitation or go to the shower.  My husband was on pins and needles the whole day of the event expecting a call from someone (his parents?) expecting to get in trouble for me not showing up or responding to the invitation.  What is he, twelve?

My husbands deal is almost complete and he should be signing his contract this week!  YAY!  I still feel like I can't talk about it yet.  Even when it is signed I won't feel good about it until things actually get moving with the deal.  Still it is amazing all that he has achieved in such a short period of time.  Some people try a whole lifetime for this and he has only been trying a year.

I am looking forward to Christmas for the kids this year.  They are getting a few small things from Santa this year and we are getting them a Wii.  We are relying on relatives to get the kids games and extras to go with it but I think they will love it.  Four more days and then school is out for two weeks.  It will be a big adjustment having them home.  I've definitely been loving my quiet time while they've been at school.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Broken

We've lived in this house seven years.  The other night I turned on the dishwasher, which is only 3 years old, and it made a weird noise. The next morning the microwave began making weird noises.  This morning I put a load of clothes in the washer and now the washer is making really strange noises. Not to mention my kitchen faucet has been leaking for over 6 months and need to be replaced but we can't do that because we can afford to replace or fix it.  I can't even comprehend what will happen if any of these other things actually breaks!

Taking the bad with the good.

I'm supposed to be decorating the house for Halloween and Thanksgiving and cleaning.  Anything to get out of cleaning, right?

There are a lot of good things that are supposed to be happening in  our lives in the next couple of weeks.  I still can't talk about it.  Well, my husband says I can talk about it to people (not here yet) but I'm afraid to because I'm afraid talking about it will jinx the good luck he's had so far.

For some reason though he cannot leave well enough alone.  Things are good between us.  He has me and the kids, his niece; who is like a daughter, my family, and his parents.  I suspect his parents are behind what he has done, because of the way they acted at our party a couple of weeks ago. His parents can guilt him into doing anything!

It's no big secret that we haven't been getting along with his sister due to things she has chosen to do in her life.  He doesn't talk to his brother because the brother has chosen to go along with the sister.  Both his brother and sister have gotten really religious and tend to throw bible verses in your face instead of actually dealing with the problems in their lives. Anyway, his sister did make one big change to her life this year by finally filing for divorce from her loser husband.

Last week, without my knowledge, my husband decided to extend the olive branch to his sister and decide to "have a relationship" with her.  I was furious, I felt this was a decision we should have made together. Honestly, I am not ready to have either his brother or sister back in my life, it is just one more source of stress for me ( and it causes problems between us as a couple).  I understand that his parents are suffering because they want everybody to get along but I don't think it's ever going to be what they want it to be.  My husband was sure she would send back a crappy e-mail full of bible verses blaming him for everything.  She didn't, she sent back one saying they should meet for dinner with the brother included.  Of course she wants her other brother there for support so they can blame my husband for everything in case things do get heated and my husband will probably sit there and take it because half the time he can't keep the details of everything that has happened straight.

Everything was going so well, why couldn't he leave well enough alone!

Seriously!

Can I tell you how much I hate birthdays.  Oh sure, the idea always sounds nice.  Cake , presents, I mean,  what's not to like? As a child I was always the kid who cried and hid as everybody sang Happy Birthday.  I was always the kid who got a stomach ache opening presents because I was so shy the idea of my reaction of opening the gift terrified me. Not to mention having to thank the gift giver for the item.  I had the mother who was the hoverer who was in my ear, "did you say thank you, did you say thank you?"

As I got older we never had a lot of money so whatever I really wanted was out of the question and at my sixteenth birthday party my dad and my brother decided that watching a movie was more important than paying attention to me opening my gifts or doing the cake.  My husband has proved to be the type of person who asks me what I want to do for the occasion but then always has a better idea and then picks an argument.

This year was no exception.  Actually, on my real birthday(last Thursday ) it was great. My husband worked really late the night before so he brought home flowers and a card and meant to take me out to breakfast but he was really tired and he fell asleep. I totally understood, it would have been dangerous for him to go to work without getting any sleep. I had to go to the dentist and get two teeth filled so my mouth was numb most of the day and my husband was gone until almost PM. My parents called me, hubby's niece called and a bunch of you left me messages on my face book page and that was GREAT! It was a very quiet day.  I took my son to the eye doctor after school and it was a very normal day, basically not like a birthday.  My perfect day.

On Saturday my husband planned a party for my son and I because our birthdays our a week apart.  I was just a small family party with my family and hubby's parents and niece. Things started to go wrong earlier in the week when hubby's brother's wife called to invited us to their son's birthday party which was on Sunday.  They do this every year, decide to do this last minute and then get mad when we or nobody can come because they can't get their act together.  I had hubby call to get out of it and of course they were mad that we weren't coming even though hubby gave MY birthday as an excuse.

Anyway, a bunch of things that my husband wanted to do for the party changed simply because he ran out of time because he was so tired.  I was kind of glad because when he makes everything from scratch he makes a huge mess and we had a huge mess with what just the simple stuff.

My IL's were the second people to arrive and they insisted that I open my gift because there might be something that I'd want to put on. Now, the last time the were over they mentioned that rubies were the gift for 40 so I thought maybe there was a ruby necklace or a pair of earrings in the package.  Even so, I hate being put on the spot  but I opened it.  There were two bags of chocolate, a pair of silver earrings and a box. I opened the box and inside the box was the most obnoxious black party hat with pink, black and white feathers and 40 in pink sequins in it. That was what they wanted me to put on and for some reason they thought I would wear it for the whole party! When they said I had to put it on all I could say was," I don't think so".  My FIL did manage to get me to put it on for a picture but I have to say that this thing managed to ruin my entire day.  I know it was a small thing and I shouldn't have let it bother me, but what the hell were they thinking?  It looks like something a 1 year old would wear.  Would my MIL have bought that for her daughter? NO!  For her granddaughter?NO! Why in the hell did she think I would wear it and think it was cute?  A tiara, yes; stupid party hat, no way! As you can probably tell I'm still not over it.  Then when we were opening gifts my MIL or my mother, I'm not sure who pulled the dumb thing out and my mom tried to put it on me again! I couldn't even be nice then so finally my mom put it on my 6 year old nieces head.  I'm definitely having a talk with my mom about her diplomatic "it's so cute" over the top remarks which were not helping my cause any.

Tell me, honestly, what would you have done?